Gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em...

There are men out there who once they enter your world they have a way of setting it on fire and stirring everything up like a tornado loose in Kansas! But what I don’t understand is how is it that a guy can get a hold of you and get you all twisted up inside? My world has been set on fire and spun around and around… A smile that can make you smile even when you don’t want to, a look that says more than words ever could, and a touch that gives you butterflies. It’s never been me to lose my appetite or sleep because of a guy. But somehow, with this guy (whom we will call “Donkey”) I don’t want to eat, I can’t sleep, and my stomach stays in knots. Now that everything has started to go sideways, it has only gotten worse. Now, I just want to be angry because it’s easier than being sad or scared. The problem is, I am angry, but only at myself. I am frustrated with him and sadden by the recent turn of events. I should have never allowed myself to care… Where it is going from here I don’t know. I know this much though. I have given him hell about allowing his wall to come down but I haven’t even let mine down. My wall is up beyond what I allow anyone to see. I let him in only to see what I want him to see. We have been to the bars but I won’t let him see me have fun. I won’t go dance and be the goofy girl that I am. I won’t crack jokes and be my goofy self, I watch my feet when I am walking so that I won’t trip or walk in to something because I am clumsy, I won’t talk about all the random thoughts that go on in my head because I am afraid if I do that, the rest of me is bound to show through. If he sees all of me then I am vulnerable. Though it’s not right, I feel like he needs to let his wall down to make him worthy of letting my wall down. I know that is silly but it’s how I have always been. I have tried to change, I let him into parts of my world, I don’t normally allow people to see until I have let my wall down but not as much as I am asking from him. In fact the other night, I busted out the Super ”Bitch” move that I am famous for in an attempt to push him away. I mean, yes the yo-yo game of not knowing whether he wants a relationship or he is just scared was frustrating the hell out of me and not that I shouldn’t have snapped on him like I did but I found myself caring about someone and not knowing where I stand with them. When he’s been drinking it’s simple and clear…. He’s scared… then he’s sober and he cares about me, I “wow” him but he’s not ready for a relationship. I have never been so out of control of a situation as I have been with him. I have no control over what is going to happen and it scared me. I snapped and though I don’t regret what I said, I regret how I said it. I mean are you really ever really ready for a relationship? No. You just take the chance and hope for the best. If you don’t want a relationship…. Don’t date because dating is the steps you take to a relationship. I suppose Kenny Rodgers said it best….. “You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when your sittin at the table. There’ll be time enough for countin when the dealins done.” Now I just need to take the next 6 days to soak it all in and pray for the best.