Thank you, I love you but know I am OK

I know a lot of you have been worried about me lately, but I just want to set your minds at ease. I am OK. I know you guys tell me I am too nice, too caring, my heart is too big and all the other wonderful things ya’ll tell me but you know I’ll never change those things about me. I may have had a rough patch and been hurt but I am not dying, I just had a broken heart. I will survive. If I could survive Cancer, I can certainly survive a broken heart. Which, by the way May 1st will be 5 years with no cancerous cells if all goes well on my check-up. YAY!!! Anyhow, my point is, I am ok. My long drive to PA was exactly what I needed. I needed it more than anything right now. There is something to be said about getting in your car and just driving. Driving somehow gives me a sense of having control. When something goes sideways in my life, driving is like therapy for me, I think it’s because it’s the only thing I can really control. I was able to process my thoughts and accept that I am still a little twisted, accept that I still miss “Donkey” and accept that I still care about him as well. Most importantly, I accepted that though he doesn't care and it's over, it is OK to feel the way I feel. I am all put back together again but you guys know me… I don’t let someone even close to entering my world unless I think they are worthy and when I care about someone even just a little bit I do it a 110%..... I obviously cared about him more than a little bit and for over a month now, I have beaten myself up about the way things happened and tortured myself about not allowing him to see who I was or being able to get my words out right. Because I was scared, I became “that girl” and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was doing little things and saying little things hoping to push him away so I wouldn’t get hurt. I never want to be “that girl” again and I have forgiven myself so that I can move forward and never be “that girl” again. I am ok and I will be ok because, I know that me becoming “that girl,” you know the “typical” girl is not who I am and it was only fear that controlled me. Even now that I am all put back together and back to good, I can honestly say I am better for it. He is a great guy and though I still care about him, I am not saying this because I still care about him, he treated me right(minus his indecisiveness and not caring about me…)I haven’t been that happy dating someone in a long, loooong time. Even if things didn’t end up the way I had hoped( ya know dating some more and moving into a relationship….cause that’s what dating leads too…lol) I really did learn something… a lot of things actually. I know some of you think it’s ridiculous that I haven’t started dating again but you should know by now when I still care about someone whether I have given up hope or not, I won’t jump into something else. I don’t want just someone and I don’t do the whole date-to-date thing… I am quite fine being single and we all know how I feel about being hit on in bars. I know how ya’ll feel but the boys at the bar, who cares that I gave them a fake number, attractive or not, I am a person with an honest heart and if my mind is on someone else, I won’t go there. I don’t fall for cheap lines and know a boy in a bar hitting on girls is not the guy I want. I want the friendship before any of that…. Ya’ll buy into that shit and call me crying when they don’t call 3 days later… I never have to worry about it…. Yeah it’s flattering and all you think I am hot but the farthest you will ever get to me is buying me a drink.... My philosophies are amazing…. Ya’ll should pay attention to them. Even after a bottle and a half of wine and hot bath later, I can honestly say that this opening has been good for me. I had a nice drive up here( and look forward to the long drive home) the time by myself tonight to just listen to music and think has done wonders for my heart! I am ok and know that I appreciate all your calls and worry but my feelings for “donkey” won’t change tomorrow but I will still be OK! I love you and thank you!

P.S. Top 10 songs of the night.....

10.What I'd give-Sugarland
9.Why do I still want you-Andy Griggs
8.Realize-Colbie Caillat
7.All over you-Pat Mcgee
6.Addicted-Saving Able
5. What's on my mind- Blake Shelton
4.Don't think I don't think about it-Darius Rucker
3.That's just Jessie-Kevin Denney
2.Waht hurt's the most- Rascal Flatts
1. What if it all goes right-Melissa Lawson