Why women go to the bathroom together!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on theFLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would haveKNOWNthere was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your p urse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto theTOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don'tKNOWwhat kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to op erate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when youNEEDEDit??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the w oman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Operation Repo...

Now, as we all know I am a sucker for bad reality TV, but I have just hit pay dirt! I flipped the channel to what the TV GUIDE said would be Cops and discovered TV GUIDE had lied! Normally, I would be mildly irritated when my hopes were up that I would be watching the most ignorant and stupidest criminals in sheer entertainment. But when I saw only 20 seconds of what was actually on, I was SOLD like a twinkie to a fat kid! Operation Repo happens to be the funniest shit I have ever seen. There is a Fat crazy Spanish woman all tatted up wearing a tutu who reposes cars. Which happens to be the scariest looking thing I have ever seen. There was a black woman who was strong enough to endure the misting of pepper spray in an attempt to keep fighting with the repo people. She then tries to steal the repo truck. Then there was the guy who worked at the hamburger joint and when he discovered they were hooking his car up he smacked one repo in the back with a full trash bag. Yes, really… It was the funniest shit I had seen, until the other repo got assaulted by the little asian kid with a mop! HA! So apparently being assaulted by a little asian kid with a paper hat and a full trash bag was nothing but you assault a repo man with a mop and it is something. This repo man snatches the mop out of the little kids hand picks the kid up and carries him screaming like a girl over to a dumpster and drops him into it! Somehow that little damn paper hat stayed on! It was hilarious! Really! Come on! I keep watching and this shit gets funnier and funnier! Pepper Spray, Pimps, Little nerdy girl pepper spraying repo men, naked photo shoots, all mixed together with crazy repo people makes good TV. So I couldn’t contain my amusement for how terribly amusing I found this so I had to tell my mother! Who then drops a huge shocker on me! When my Dad got out of college he was a repo man with a Fraternity brother until he was shot at one night! That is hilarious! Seriously, you gotta watch this show… it comes on Tru TV! HILARIOUS!

A little piece of me...

So, I have recently been told that I don’t really allow people to see the real me. “I don’t let people know the real me. Is that true?” No. I don’t fake who I am, I just don’t let people see all of me. I don’t hide all of me but I just don’t let people see all sides to me until I know they truly do care about me. I have often said you and those of you who have taken the time to get to know me also know this, I am not your typical girl and to know me is to know that. So let me give you a little insight in case you are curious.


-First and foremost, the most commonly misunderstood thing about me. Let’s get this straight right now…. I am not materialistic at all. I do enjoy shopping, I do enjoy expensive things, however, I don’t have to have them and I don’t need them. I am just as content shopping at Target or TJ MAXX. I would rather live on a farm and muck stalls than live in Manhattan or DC. It’s not my scene. I certainly can get all dressed up and hit the town but I am a simple girl who loves the comforts of home. Privacy and quiet southern style living is more my desire. Shopping on 5th avenue is something I could do once a decade without feeling ridiculous but I would much rather hang out on the river, ride a horse, sit at a dive bar, or spend time with friends at concerts and laid back events. If you knew me and the real reason I shop, you would understand that it’s not something I will always do and there is a reason I do it so much now!

-I am a talker but when I am thinking about something or I am shy or uncomfortable, even a little uncertain about a situation or a person, I am quiet.

-It’s all or nothing with me. If I am going to do something, I put everything I have into it. I know when to cut my losses but if it is something I am interested in, I will always try 100% to see what the outcome will be. If I am interested in someone for example, I do not want to rush into anything but I have to know that we are on the same page and staying on the same page to move forward continuly or else I need to cut my losses. If someone has no desire to ever get more serious, I have to leave. If someone knows they care but aren’t sure where it is going but want to continue to see if there could be a next step, ok. I am all in. If someone knows they want something but aren’t ready yet but want to continue to help the relationship grow. Ok, again I am all in. I just have to know which one it’s gonna be. I won’t waste your time and don’t waste mine. Once I am secure in knowing, I am fine.

-I am very blunt. If I have something I feel strongly about I will say what is on my mind. I may have to talk to someone and collect my thoughts but I will say it.

-I truly respect people for who they are and what they do. I will always put myself in someone else’s shoes and figure out where they are coming from. That doesn’t mean I have to like them but I do respect them. That being said, I do not believe you can change someone and nor should you try. So girls, stop trying to change your men.

-I have not had the perfect life with white picket fences like some of you would like to think. If you knew me and knew what I have been through and why I am the person I am today, you would know that. I have had far from a perfect life or even normal.
-When I make a decision to let someone into my world, my life, my heart, it is because I love and trust them unconditionally.


-My relationships with my father, mother and sister were far from perfect and still are. I just value family over everything else.

-My feelings about my father and his death are very private to me and I do not share them with anyone but those I truly trust and I know love me. I can easily talk about my father dying but I do not easily talk about my feelings about it and the issues I have with it. So because I talk about it doesn’t mean I am really TALKING about it.

-I love you. Is a hard thing for me. It is not easy for me to say or hear. They are words I take very seriously and scare me all at the same time. Once, I have heard it and the feelings behind it are real, I will get the words out and once I do it’s not a problem. The first time with anyone friends, family, and boyfriends is hard for me.

-I push people away before they have the chance to do it to me. SImple and clear.

-I would do almost anything for anyone, even my worst enemy or someone I have never met. Though I get taken advantage of often, I will not compromise who I am to change that. If you have and someone else does not you should give to them. If they wrong you, it is not your fault, it is theirs. You were still a good person.

-I laugh at inappropriate times, I cry at chessy movies, I am the worlds biggest klutz, I have my insecurities, I love 80’s and early 90’s TV shows, I am a little high class, a little white trash, a little bit country and a lot of ok with that. I curse like a sailor and hate it, I have dreams bigger than the world, and I am as quirky as they get.


Now, that is certainly not all of me but there is a piece of me. I am not the cold hearted bitch some like to think I am. I am just jaded and it takes me a while to truly trust someone. I have been screwed by my friends, boyfriends and even my family so I reserve a lot of myself until I know someone’s intentions are good and true. So please, understand that it’s not personal, I am not faking anything, I just need to reserve myself until I know what someone’s intentions are.

A new prospect!

So, I found this house.... I kinda like it... not really sold on it.... but I have a few months before it hits the market to think about it...

A little Nostalgic tonight!

A case of the Monday’s doesn’t begin to describe it! I started off the day with someone bitching in my ear! I then drove 20 minutes to work just to basically stand around! I was in a good mood despite coming home to find the dishwasher was broken. I hand washed all the dishes with a smile and then off to find a new one it was. Of course none of the current dishwashers would fit with out having to replace the cabinets. They were either too tall or too short. With granite countertops, that is not an easy fix. The best part of my day is that I talked to Hayden and he and I had a very nostalgic moment. It always seems to hit me this time of year. Maybe it’s the nice weather, maybe even just the lack of wanting to be an adult at this time of year but I get a lot nostalgic. What I would give to be back in Florence on a day like today. If I were in Florence at this very moment I would be doing one of four things:

1. Sitting on my front porch a cooler of beer on one side a good friend on the other listening to music and cuttin up.

2. Sitting on the river, drinking beer with the tailgate open listening to music and cuttin up.

3. Four wheeling, drinking beer and playing flag football listening to some music.

Or

4. Sittin at an outdoor bar on the river, drinking beer, dancing all night, running up a huge bar tab (only paying $15) and having a ball.


The life I lead in Florence is so much different than the conservative life I lead in VA. There is no front porch, only a back porch to drink on and I am already there drinking beer (but by myself cause everyone here has a job they have to be awake for by 5am), there are no river parties in my area and here you might get arrested for sitting by the river drinking with your tailgate open and a beer in your hand, There is no place to go four wheeling here, and I don’t have a good bar here and all my girls are married and having babies (so not ready for all that) so they don’t want to do the bar scene all the time. So Florence, I miss you…. All my friends in Florence, I miss you… I am ready to come back for a visit and blow the town up like always. So this is my propousal I know all of you read this but not many of you blog. Let’s all get together in late August In Florence and have some fun. I have decided I am coming down for homecoming this year. I know, I know I missed the last 2 but I will be there this year! But before then let’s tear up the town!

I have seen the light!

I have seen the light! I am all put back together again!

Sunday, Sunday....

Why does it have to be Sunday? I wish everyday could be Saturday! Not that I hate Sunday's but Sunday means time to work again on Monday! Saturday means you have one more day! I am going to take advantage of this rainy Sunday! I am going to lay around and watch some chick flicks and cuddle with my Katiebug. She is the best cuddlebug! Then I am going to finish packing for PA so I can the hell up out this town! I need to get away even if it is to PA for work! It should be lots of fun! Anyways... I am going to have a me day!

Oh today is Friday alright!

So, I wake up this morning and start my pot of coffee, I turn on the news and try and get caught up with what is going on with the world. It was natural disaster after natural disaster today. Did I not get the memo it is Natural Disaster Day or something? Tornados in Mississippi, Blizzards in Colorado, Floods in North Dakota.... oh and the best.... (not a natural disaster, but wild none the less) Did you hear about the Bob Cat that wondered into a bar? Really... it happened! What a day in the world! Despite the craziness in the world I pulled my clothes on and went on to a fairly uneventful day! But don't get me wrong, I am glad I was not caught in a Tornado, blizzard, flood, or a bar with a bob cat. I had my review, went back to work and now I am home to stay for the night! I know a couple of you are upset I am not going out tonight, but as I told you, I need to recover from the week I had! My liver hates me right now! So I am going to pamper myself tonight! I am talking full out soak in a bubble bath with candles, give myself a facial, watch some chick flicks, drink a glass of wine and paint my nails! I am going to clean a little first as we can all guess.... sorry gotta clear my mind first! Tomorrow however, I will slip on those new jeans and of course my boots and a cute top.. I'll get my hair did and I will blow up this town.... Today is recovery day!

I am running away!

Ok, so I have lied to myself for the past couple days…. Am I ok? Yes. I am ok. I am also still all twisted up inside about all of this and still a little hurt. Rascal Flatts song What Hurts the Most is the perfect song to describe what I am feeling like these days! I am tired of everyone asking me if I am ok! I am ok, but I am not happy, I am a little sad and twisted up but I am ok so stop asking. I have never been on this side of the fence and I am learning how to deal with it. You just have to understand I am always the one to walk away, now it wasn’t me. I never have a problem with people trusting me, I never trust them, I never date because everyone wants to jump into a relationship with me and I was stupid enough to do it. In the infamous words of my best friend, I am the girl a guy wants to marry and not the girl a guy wants to date. This is all new to me. Things I thought I would never do, say or allow my self to feel have changed. This guy was different. I can’t explain it and I don’t even want to but he was different but what I do want to explain…. Your little comments aren’t needed your questions of what is new doesn’t help. If there is something you need to know I’ll tell you and believe me I know I could have a million guys, they let me know it everyday…. But today I just want to be a little sad… I have a heart and I am a good person I need to deal with the hurt before I let someone else in my life. Yes I know he’s an idiot for not seeing what was in front of him but he didn’t that’s all that can be said and done. I am sure he has already moved on but I need my time so back off.

Sandman loved me long time last night.....

Ok, granted I am awake now and I still have an hour before I need to be awake, I slept through the night! I slept goood too! This may not seem like a big deal to all of you, but I haven't slept well in a week! No, I'm not over him, I am over it though! He doesn't care so I am learning not to and by damn I am doing a good job! I got my first good nights rest and I am eating again and though I am still a little twisted up inside, I know that as long as I have feelings for the Donkey, I will stay a little twisted inside! Oh well I can deal with being a little twisted up! I GOT SLEEP!!! Now I just have to figure out how to survive a rainy day at work when all I want to do is curl up in bed and watch movies and maybe even sleep some more. Wow it felt good to sleep I just want to sleep for days!!! YAY!!!

Shake ya ass show me what ya workin with....

What a great night! Happy birthday Amy! I had such a good time! I will lick your face and shake my ass on you any time! Yes I successfully kicked every guys ass in the football game woot woot! I just wish we could have danced more!! Aerosmith Guitar hero and chick flicks! I am all over it! Just let me know when! Sleep tight everyone!

Ode' to the Government

Ok, so have you ever had someone tell you that you make too much money and you owe them more because you make too much? I did today and boy did I want to do kartwheels! Really? Seriously? Ok so in the past 2 years I have figured out that the more money you make the more taxes they take.... Bastards.... Well this year I learned that when you make even more money they want you to pay them some more. Yes, I am going to owe taxes this year! This is the first time I will have ever had to owe taxes and I am pissed! So as if you hadn't taken enough from me all year long, now you are going to ask for more! Reminds me of some men in my life! Now, my tax guy was kind enough to tell me the ways to correct this issue next year.... I have 4 options...

1. Have my pay reduced every paycheck(Essentially paying more taxes upfront)

2. Buy a House(which I am working on.... I know that thank you)

3. Get Married (not a chance in hell)

4. Have a baby(yes, we will go with the above's not a chance in hell)

Thank you I will write in my 5th option....

5. Bend over and take it from the government (Not at all what I want but a lot easier than 3 & 4)

Sleep is for babies!

Ok, really I am invincible and I don't need sleep apparently! So I thought for sure I would be able to drink myself to sleep tonight and oh buddy did I.... Then 2am rolls around and I am up! Seriously WTF? Now I am wide awake watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall which happens to be a cute movie but really.... sleep would be wonderful!

My lovely mother!

I am the luckiest girl in the world! I have the best mother a girl could ask for! I get a little drunk with the boys and she is all about taking me to get food so my hang over tomorrow won't be nearly as bad! YAY Mom! Tomorrow I am out for Amy's Birthday and i am super excited! Have a good night! It's 10 pm and I have had a 20 pack by myself... I know I am sleeping good tonight!!!Woot Woot!!

DONKEY

Yeah so…. I am done…. I don’t know whether to be mad, sad or what? Have you ever just felt used? That’s me…. So I talked to “Donkey” today and though before he told me he wouldn’t tell me he didn’t care because he did…. Even when I asked him too, today was different! He told me he only cared about me as a friend! I couldn’t believe it! Ok so really? WHAT? I mean how do you do that? Seriously? He called it dating not me… What does dating lead to? Say it with me boys and girls…. A RELATIONSHIP!!! He said he cared but he was just scared of a relationship, he told me that I “wowed” him, he said a lot of things…. So I fell right in to the trap! He can think what he wants to but he lead me to believe and actually told me on a number of occasions that he cared for me as more than a friend! Whatever! Do guys really get off on making a girl all twisted up inside? I mean really do it to the dirty whores of the world not the good girls! So I have the best remedy for this whole situation! BEER! Today I am going to do what I do and be mad! I am going to drink and I am not going to cry…. Tomorrow I’ll wake up with a wicked hangover and I will be fine because somewhere between the beers and a hangover I will realize we were nothing and are nothing and it’s ok. I will rebuild the trust in him and be his friend because I do want the friendship…. Though he doesn’t understand how I have to rebuild trust… Well Donkey… as a friend you allowed me to care about you and believe you cared about me….when I gave you several chances to change that you didn’t. I actually said should I stop caring about you and tell me you don’t care about me. Those were perfect opportunities to on more than one occasion. If he had really cared about me as a friend he would have ended it there. So now I have to learn to trust that he can be a friend that would want happiness for me. Whatever Josh and Ryan are coming over and I am getting SHITTY!!!! Tomorrow I’ll be ok!

Sleeplessness is killing me...

Ok so, I am thinking that I might die if I don't get some sleep! Ok maybe that's a lie, I might kill someone though and that is not a lie! I am tired the bags under my eyes are only getting bigger and I am still hurt. Damn it! I need some sleep and probably need to eat something! Anyone have any ideas?

Momma said there'd be days like this....

Today was nearly close to perfect though it started off a little rough…. I woke up this morning had my coffee and Jumped in the bath. I was still tired seeing as how I haven’t really slept in a couple of days but I decided I should shave my legs! My first thought as I tripped getting out of the bath tub was really, did I shave my legs for a day like this? I decided I was going to get control over my day and have a good one! I got all dolled up and was fortunate to have a great hair day and a great makeup day! The two of those seem to be pretty elusive these days and to be able to have them on the same day was close to a miracle. Despite my lack of clothing to choose from since all the weight loss, I was able to pick out an outfit in less than 10 minutes. I got dressed and headed out to run some errands! I spent a good amount of time in ULTA getting stuff to pamper myself, which of course made me feel even better! I started to head towards Fairfax to meet my favorite Joanna Banana and then to my sisters. I got to my sisters and despite the ever looming question everyone seems to be asking me these days…. Yes I am ok and no I haven’t talked to him, we had some lunch and she came up with several projects around the house that would occupy my mind! We hung pictures and wall sconces…. HA! I headed home to check the mail which was just as exciting when I found my expense check waiting. I smiled all the way to the bank. I was then flattered when the guy next to me honked and waved in the drive through! Though he was attractive and it was flattering, we all know that my mind is not even going to allow me to go there! I drive off and I am ready to go. I then decide the only thing that would have just put a cherry on my day is if I hit up Victoria’s Secret! Yes, I know… panties and lingerie aren’t a substitute but buying more, sure makes me feel good even if I had to venture into Springfield Mall. After that, I still had just enough time that I was able to stop by Home Goods before I needed to be at Jack & Johns for dinner! I then got to spend the rest of the evening with Jack, John & Annabelle! Of course little miss Annabelle kept me laughing and Jack and John kept me entertained as well. I head home to find the happiest dog in the world waiting for me and she didn’t run passed me this time! Oh and I am going to PA which I am stoked about and I got a new pair of jeans!!! I love Joe's Jeans and they are forever my best friend when they make my butt look that good! Overall good day! Only two things would make it even better…. Sleep and … Well you know who!

Still can't sleep...

Stupid boys.... I still can't sleep or really eat! My stomach is still in knots and talking to him is all I can think about! I guess I am just gonna have to keep myself busy and see if he calls! Damn it he has me all twisted up inside!

All the frustration....

After some drinks with my mom last night, it was a little easier to fall asleep however, I couldn’t stay asleep. I woke up every hour on the hour. I was a cursing left and right this morning. As we all know I am not a morning person if I don’t get sleep. I just don’t understand why things have to be so hard! I want to talk to the “Donkey” but at the same time I don’t. I miss the conversations, the friendship and the connection we have but I think the separation of 7 days is what is best. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from a situation to clear your mind and find your way. Part of me just wants to believe he lead me on and never cared about me as more than a friend. It was all a lie and I am mistaken. My intuition was wrong, he lied and I got played for a fool. Maybe that is the case. Maybe he just didn’t know how to say I never really cared about you as more. I have 5 more days and then maybe he’ll call. Though it was my call not to talk for 7 days, he said he was going to call me. So we will see. 5 days and maybe I’ll have found a resolution. I might actually know where we stand and be comfortable with it. Something tells me though…. My feelings aren’t going to go away…..will that put me right back into the same situation? I should probably hit the tanning bed and try and relax but I think I am going ot clean and stay close to home today….

My Top 25 Favorite Things

My top 25 favorite things:

1. My Dog

2. Victoria’s Secret Super soft collection Pajamas

3. My Blackberry

4. Purses

5. Stomach Butterflies

6. My Mac laptop

7.My baby blanket

8.Forehead Kisses

9.My boots

10.Flowers of all kinds

11.Puppies and Babies

12.Weekend Trips

13.Hot Baths

14.Lazy Sundays

15.Buying Lingerie

16.Surprises

17. Clear nights when you can count the stars

18.Ladybugs

19. Saturday Mornings

20. Green Jello

21. Dancing all night long

22. Walking through DC or Old Town on a nice day!

23. Kisses

24. The color green

25. Horseback riding on a nice day

Gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em...

There are men out there who once they enter your world they have a way of setting it on fire and stirring everything up like a tornado loose in Kansas! But what I don’t understand is how is it that a guy can get a hold of you and get you all twisted up inside? My world has been set on fire and spun around and around… A smile that can make you smile even when you don’t want to, a look that says more than words ever could, and a touch that gives you butterflies. It’s never been me to lose my appetite or sleep because of a guy. But somehow, with this guy (whom we will call “Donkey”) I don’t want to eat, I can’t sleep, and my stomach stays in knots. Now that everything has started to go sideways, it has only gotten worse. Now, I just want to be angry because it’s easier than being sad or scared. The problem is, I am angry, but only at myself. I am frustrated with him and sadden by the recent turn of events. I should have never allowed myself to care… Where it is going from here I don’t know. I know this much though. I have given him hell about allowing his wall to come down but I haven’t even let mine down. My wall is up beyond what I allow anyone to see. I let him in only to see what I want him to see. We have been to the bars but I won’t let him see me have fun. I won’t go dance and be the goofy girl that I am. I won’t crack jokes and be my goofy self, I watch my feet when I am walking so that I won’t trip or walk in to something because I am clumsy, I won’t talk about all the random thoughts that go on in my head because I am afraid if I do that, the rest of me is bound to show through. If he sees all of me then I am vulnerable. Though it’s not right, I feel like he needs to let his wall down to make him worthy of letting my wall down. I know that is silly but it’s how I have always been. I have tried to change, I let him into parts of my world, I don’t normally allow people to see until I have let my wall down but not as much as I am asking from him. In fact the other night, I busted out the Super ”Bitch” move that I am famous for in an attempt to push him away. I mean, yes the yo-yo game of not knowing whether he wants a relationship or he is just scared was frustrating the hell out of me and not that I shouldn’t have snapped on him like I did but I found myself caring about someone and not knowing where I stand with them. When he’s been drinking it’s simple and clear…. He’s scared… then he’s sober and he cares about me, I “wow” him but he’s not ready for a relationship. I have never been so out of control of a situation as I have been with him. I have no control over what is going to happen and it scared me. I snapped and though I don’t regret what I said, I regret how I said it. I mean are you really ever really ready for a relationship? No. You just take the chance and hope for the best. If you don’t want a relationship…. Don’t date because dating is the steps you take to a relationship. I suppose Kenny Rodgers said it best….. “You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when your sittin at the table. There’ll be time enough for countin when the dealins done.” Now I just need to take the next 6 days to soak it all in and pray for the best.

Men Don't Change!

As Chris Brown and Rhianna have recently made headlines, it can’t help but bring up memories. Oprah said it best the other day, “he hits you once, he will hit you again.” Now for those of you, who know me, you know what I am talking about but for those of you who don’t take this is a life lesson. Many people are starting to question whether Rhianna and Chris are getting back together and why. Well, let me explain. It has been no secret that I was in an abusive relationship for a long, long time. For those of you who have been there through the bruises, breaks and cuts, you will understand why people do it for those of you who don’t know me and for those of you who have had them, I hope you get why people do what they do and it’s unacceptable. Now, 5 and a half years of my life was eaten away by a poisonous relationship and the details and a lot of my emotions, have haunted me. I am very private about but the situation in detail yet I have no problem talking about the situation as a whole. Especially, if someone who needs to hear this is listening…. It starts very simple. It is that subtle little comment that makes you question yourself (whether it attacks your intelligence, looks, or self worth.) These comments continue just long enough to make you feel as if he is the best guy you can find because you aren’t worth anyone else’s time. As time moves on it begins with a shove or a firm grab. Testing the waters to see if submission has set in, it will be something very slight and subtle. Something they can play off. Then, once they believe you will not fight back, leave them, or tell someone the truth, it turns into a full-blown throws or a punch. Initially, the words break you down making you feel worthless, as if you deserve what is coming next. Then the first “time” happens. It’s like a dream…. I know…. Did it really happen? When reality sets in you and you realize the reality of the situation, his words start to creep in… “I am sorry BUT you pushed my buttons in a way no one else has.”” I have never done that before.” “ I am sorry, I will never do it again.” You start to wonder why you are such a bad person that you were able to push someone to that extent. You feel as if you were the problem! It was your fault. Actually, it wasn’t your fault and no matter what you had said, he would have done it anyways. It will never stop, flowers, cards, candy and jewelry are not enough to prove they are sorry. You are worth more than flowers, cards candy and jewelry. Take it from me, if you don’t leave it only gets worse. Even 9 years after my abusive relationship, this guy terrorizes me. I still get the phone calls and am afraid to go in areas he may be. I lose a lot of myself in new relationships because of this guy. Me who is always goofy, the life of the party and always has something to say becomes very reserved, quite, and dumb when I get around someone I really like because of my fears. Only once I completely trust someone do I allow them to see all of me. This has cost me a lot of great guys…. Those guys weren’t willing to find out why I am who I am. Women stay with an abusive man because they lose all of their self worth. It’s not about the physical abuse; it’s all of the mental abuse that no one understands. You do deserve better and the longer you stay the harder it is to become close to someone even years down the road! No one is worth compromising who you are…. Someone who loves you for who you are, accepts your past, loves you who you are and who you will become! Stay strong and fight to be you!